|
EarthLight
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Kansas City
Birthday: 2/15/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Working, I guess... Money is handy, but, is it really worth selling your soul for?
Art, I guess... Beauty is important, but, what if you can't create beauty?
Expertise: Over-hearing...
Listening, and telling the legends of Old.
Oral Tradition.
Message: message me
AIM:  Fear Resurrected
MSN: falsedemon@hotmail.com
Member Since:
5/9/2004
|
|
| Ulrich Schnauss - Goodbye
Hello
now take me home
to the dream
ever lasts just once
clouds all around
take away all my fear
let me fall asleep
Let me fall asleep
...fall asleep
you know
you have to let it go
don't go
so hard to say goodbye
She
woke up on return
never woke up
He
held on beyond one's voice
felt all secure
just adored
this beauty, stating
oh so cold...
It was getting cold
Is it cold?
you know
you have to let it go
don't go
so hard to say goodbye
So hard to say goodbye
You have to let it go
So hard to say goodbye
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Begin Transmission: 09/29/2k9 - 00:08
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Yes. I still have words. I have not been finding them as easily as of late.
In process of cognitive reprogramming. No, the machine doesn't have me. Unless that machine is myself. In which case, I don't see how I ever didn't have me. I am still thinking. I am always thinking. Sometimes I ask for myself to shut up, but would that be such a blessing?
Transitional phases really aren't that great. They actually are pretty painful, and the whole self transformation thing, kind of makes one wonder who it is in the mirror staring back. No, I haven't lost myself. I haven't found myself either. Perhaps I am being cryptic. But isn't that always how I start with these ramblings?
New place is working out. Room-mates have their unique quarks. I stay out of the way as much as possible, as always. I guess it's my way. Step aside and let the others have their way, I am fine where I am. As long as I don't have to take responsibility for anyones mistakes but my own. I have been listening to more and more music, and have a love for buying more CDs nowadays. There's actually a satisfaction in having a physical thing, a manifestation, a physical symbol representing the emotional and fluid contents within. Gives it more mortality, I feel. I was always able to relate to mortals easier than the alternative.
I have trouble coming up with accomplishments that I've achieved, personally. I find myself frequently comparing myself to everyone, but everyone individually. I find myself seriously lacking in the esteem field, partially because I haven't done anything really noteworthy. At least, not that I feel is noteworthy. And there is always something being achieved above me, in whatever field I endeavor. Even in a localized comparison, I can't help but feel like a little fish who found his way into a big pond. Maybe I am a puffer fish. I can make myself feel and look big, but all it would be is hot air. Luckily, I am deadly poisonous, so no one will ever dare get incredibly close to me. Or, perhaps I just don't let them. Whatever, I'm not really certain nor do I really find it important. I am mostly just depressed about it. Accomplishments take time though. Skills take time. They take time to develop, at least for most people, at least for me. Cooking comes naturally though. Cooking a lot of different dishes seem very intuitive, and I can improve upon that intuition each time I eat a meal I prepare, taking mental notes of improvements in technique I need to make. Strangely, the others that I treat to such things don't have the same negative criticism or suggestions.
Some people seem to delight in making me feel stupid. Indeed, there are things that I do not know... In fact I kind of pride myself on having a certain degree of ignorance. Having ignorance and realizing it, helps to keep ones curiosity insatiable and continues to brew interest in the developments in the world. Omniscience would be so dreadfully boring. But the important thing for me to bear in mind, and one of the things that I am putting into the cognitive retraining is that ignorance is not equal to stupidity. Now, what degree of Intelligence/Stupidity I hold, I'm not certain. I only know that I know some things, and even those things I sometimes doubt when given reason to. So, ultimately, I'm ignorant. Short story long.
The reason for all of the comparing and the self loathing and the need for reprogramming stems from a feeling of undesirability. With the lack of constructive social relationships with people who relate to and build off of/with me, I have felt very alone these part couple of whiles. I don't expect anything of anyone, I've just found that my personal development has left me in particular position of hermetic isolation. Everyone is so weird though, it's hard for me to understand and relate, much less have a co-beneficial relationship with anyone, social or otherwise.
I just have one thing that I keep trying to keep, and I cling so dearly to it. I am not willing to let it go, I am not willing to see what possibilities await if I do. I can already kind of guess, and none of them are good.
Just let me keep trying my best to be sincere. I can't 100% always be. But I sure as hell can be 3/3rds of the time.
Obeying whatever omnipotent critter happens to be your bag to worship, should come as naturally to you as falling when you jump or breathing. I know what happens when we decide to stop breathing. I wonder what happens when we decide to stop falling...
Everything I've done, I've done because I thought it was right, correct, just, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I am pompous or have had an overdose of hubris, to believe I can even know what such things are... I'm just trying to explain that everything I've done, I've had the nothing but the best intentions.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Reprogramming Phase 1 complete.
-> I am not always wrong. <-
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Move to Reprogramming Phase 2.
| | |
| Holding to my character, and continueing to do what I've done since I started this ridiculousness called throwing my words at the aether to cause waves and see who's boat they rock... LYRICS!
Modest Mouse: Novocaine Stains When I can work out how it was
Then I'll tell you
TV stained my memories, yeah
I don' think that she's...
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
With fear and fascination
On what was here
And what's replacing them now
Interchange plazas, malls
And crowded chain restaurants
More housing developments go up
Named after the things they replace
So welcome to Minnow Brook
And welcome to Shady Space
And it all seems a little abrupt
No I don't like this change of pace -------------------------------------- A day of total apprehension. The title's kind of foreboding eh? Well, it's just been all kinds of the hell of realization today. The sun on a wall. The hood over my eyes. The sounds of industry in my ears, and the Gods seem to be breathing a sigh. So, I want to meet people. My social circles have been closing and dividing and breaking down, a great entropic system with murders and executions afoot. Many people entering and leaving, like a public house. Sit a spell, watch the tubes glow red. Pick up your shit and leave, and only come back in your dreams. Part of my problem is that when I really want to get things out of my mind... I can only end up rattling shit out like this, maybe out of fear of opening up too much. Things keep coming out in a weird kind of disassociative kind of way. It kind of makes me weird to hear about other people having bad and stressful days in alignment with my own. Normally, when everyone else is on their lowest feelings, I'm at my height. Now... I'm down with the best of them. Today coiled me up so much, I feel that I might snap. I might crackle and pop too. Who knows? I think the biggest issue I've had right now is the fact that I can't even point my finger at what it is that is causing me trouble. Maybe it's because my problem right now is too nebulous. Perhaps it's just too numerous. Perhaps I just, for once, don't really know at all what the fuck is wrong. It's not my standard down... It's onset too drastically, and it has kept riding for a long while. I mean, part of it of course is the missing of someone I cared about dearly, but I can't bear to let myself turn back, and say that I love them the way that I did. That I want to be over it, and let them know I'm moving on and doing great. That I'm completely fine. Which is a lie. And I abhor dishonesty. Work is great. Work sucks. I like having a job. I like feeling productive. My job continues to constrain me. It continues to say "Yeah, be productive, but sacrifice at the altar your productiveness outside of this place." Not to say that it's poor management or anything. Not say that it's a bad business. It's just taking a huge dump on me. I'm not even trying to bitch or gripe. I'm just saying. School is good. This is actually a truth. I like things I excel at... and, well, class is one of them. I'm glad that I'm doing well. It's like a small little lamp in this overbearing cloud that has settled over and enveloped my current state of being. /Aside: part of the reason why I'm even doing this is in hopes that someone, anyone of you, says that you understand. That I'm not truly alone here... I fear that in this dense of fog, who knows what is going to jump out at me... and having someone I know appear out of the mists might help me feel a little bit of relief./ Who the fuck am I anyways? I keep making myself want to be more and more non-existent. I kind of view myself as only a slight to reality, something which should not by all rights be here. That I am really just another little chemical reaction on top of a bigger chemical reaction the middle of a really really big chemical reaction, and that I may just be a chemical mutation and a cancer and a tumor, and as a safety mechanism try not to interfere with the happy little cells going about their daily business. I don't value myself. In fact, I view the very opposite in the sense that I see very little if any worth in me being around. The reason why I've continued with the strength to keep going, and have persistantly and obstinately defied the inevitable mortality we all face eventually is that I don't want to impose, and with my existence I impose, but with the rapid destabilization of those around me, even my non-existence would be an imposition. I hold values and opinions. Things I see as good, things I see as bad. I'm so "Holier than Thou." I can't help but want to just be silent for awhile. To isolate myself for a little bit. To escape, maybe, to let myself be less of an ass-hole. I can't help but feel that I am and have always just been a judgemental fuck. And who the fuck am I to even have these thoughts? Why the fuck should I of all people think these things? /Aside: Another reason for the title was recent humor. In response to a thread about the ominous 2012 end of the world, a whole bunch of us are thinking of having an "End of the World" afterparty. Titled tentatively by another as the "Whoops, No Apocalypse?" party./ Things aren't too bad though... I'm just not a pleasant person, I guess. Perhaps I've just kind of resolved myself to that. It's not something I want to carry as my crux, though. Fitting resolution: Same CD: Modest Mouse: Space Travel is Boring Won herself a pass to some far off moon
It was second class but what's to lose
And looking out her window she could more than assume
That you can't see air or time
She's the only rocketeer in the whole damn place
They gave her a mirror so she could talk to a face
She still got plenty lonely but that's just the case
With time, time, time
Started hearing voices sometime in June
She knew she could go crazy but didn't think that soon
Now she doesn't feel lonely but she'd just as soon
Try, try, try try
Man shot to the moon
I bought a paperback and want to go real soon
I'm shot to the moon
Been there a half an hour, I want to come home soon
| | |
| > I'm starting to feel like I just need an excuse to put more than one lyric at a time in here... Then again, with time gaps like there have been recently, it's warranted. Too much stuff I'm listening too.
>> The Guess Who - No Sugar Tonight--The New Mother Nature
Lonely feelin' deep inside
Find a corner where I can hide
Silent footsteps crowdin' me
Sudden darkness, but I can see
No sugar tonight in my coffee
No sugar tonight in my tea
No sugar to stand beside me
No sugar to run with me
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow
In the silence of her mind
Quiet movements, well, I can find
Grabbin' for me with her eyes
Now I'm fallin' from her skies
No sugar tonight in my coffee
No sugar tonight in my tea
No sugar to stand beside me
No sugar to run with me
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow un-dow-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow
Jocko says yes and I believe him
When we talk about the things I say
She hasn't got the faith or the guts to leave him
When they're standin' in each other's way
You're driven back now to places you've been to
You're wonderin' what you're gonna find
You know you've been wrong but it won't be long
Before you leave 'em all far behind
'Cause it's the new Mother Nature takin' over
It's the new splendid lady come to call
It's the new Mother Nature takin' over
She's gettin' us all
She's gettin' us all
Jocko said no when I came back last time
It's lookin' like I lost a friend
No use callin' 'cause the sky is fallin'
And I'm gettin' pretty near the end
A smoke-filled room in a corner basement
The situation must be right
A bag o' goodies and a bottle o' wine
We're gonna get it on right tonight
'Cause it's the new Mother Nature takin' over
It's the new splendid lady come to call
It's the new Mother Nature takin' over
She's gettin' us all
She's gettin' us all
Lonely feelin'
(Jocko says yes and I believe him)
Deep inside
(When we talk about the things I say)
Find a corner
(She hasn't got the faith or the guts to leave him)
Where I can hide
(When they're standin' in each other's way)
Silent footsteps
(You're driven back now to places you've been to)
Crowdin' me
(You're wonderin' what you're gonna find)
Sudden darkness
(You know you've been wrong and it won't be long)
But I can see
(Before you leave 'em all far behind)
'Cause it's the new Mother Nature takin' over
It's the new splendid lady come to call
It's the new Mother Nature takin' over
She's gettin' us all
She's gettin' us all
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow >> Yes - The Revealing Science of God
Dawn of light lying between a silence and sold sources,
Chased amid fusions of wonder, in moments hardly seen forgotten,
Coloured in pastures of chance dancing leaves cast spells of
challenge,
Amused but real in thought, we fled from the sea whole.
Dawn of thought transfered through moments of days underseaarching
earth
Revelaing corridors of time provoking memories, disjointed but with
purpose,
Craving penetrations offer links with the self instructors sharp
And tender love as we took to the air, a picture of distance.
Dawn of our power we amuse redescending as fast as misused
Expression, as only to teach love as to reveal passion chasing
Late into corners, and we danced from the ocean.
Dawn of love sent within us colours of awakening among the many
Won't to follow, only tunes of a different age.
As the links span our endless caresses for the freedom of life
everlasting.
Talk to the sunlight caller
Soft summer mover distance mine.
Called out a tune but I never saw the face
Heard but not replaced
I ventured to talk, but I never lost my place
Cast out a spell rendered for the light of day
Lost in lights array
I ventured to see, as the sound began to play
What happened to this song we once knew so well
Signed promise for moments caught within the spell
I must have waited all my life for this
Moment moment
The future poised with the splendour just begun
The light we were as one
And crowded through the curtains of liquid into sun
And for a moment when our world had filled the skies
Magic turned our eyes
To feast on the treasure set for our strange device
What happened to wonders we once knew so well
Did we forget what happened surely we can tell
We must have waited all our lives for this
Moment moment moment
Starlight, movement, reasons
Release forward
Tallest rainbow
Sun shower seasons
Life flower reasons
They move fast, they tell me,
But I just can't believe that I can feel it
There's someone to tell you,
Amid the challenge we look around in unison with you
Getting over overhanging trees
Let them rape the forest
Thoughts would send our fusion
Clearly to be home
Getting over wars we do not mean
Or so it seems so clearly
Sheltered with our passion
Clearly to be home
They move fast, they tell me,
But I just can't believe they really mean to
There's someone, to tell you,
And I just can't believe our song will leave you
Skyline teacher
Warland seeker
Send out poison
Cast iron leader
And through the rhythm of moving slowly
Sent through the rhythm work out the story
Move over glory to sons of old fighters past.
Young christians see if from the beginning
Old people feel it, that's what they're saying.
Move over glory to sons of old fighters past.
They move fast, they tell me,
But I just can't believe they really mean to.
There's someone, to tell you
Acourse towards a universal season.
Getting over overhanging trees
Let them rape the forest
They might stand and leave them
Clearly to be home
Getting over wars we do not mean
We charm the movement suffers
Call out all our memories
Clearly to be home
We've moved fast
We need love
A part we offer is our only freedom
What happened to this song we once knew so well
Signed promise for moments caught within the spell
We must have waited all our lives for this
Moment moment
Past present movers moments we'll process the future, but only
through him we know send flowered rainbows
Apiece apart chased flowers of the dark and lights of songs to
follow and show all we feel for and know of
Cast round
You seekers of the truth accepting that reason will relive and
breath and hope and chase and love
For you and you and you.
>> One last one -
>>>> VU - Ride into the Sun
Looking for another place
Somewhere else to be
Looking for another chance
To ride into the sun
Ride into the sun
Ride into the sun
Ride into the sun
Ride into the sun
Where everything seems so pretty
When youre lonely and tired of the city
Remember its a flower made out of clay
To the city
Where everything seems so ugly
When your sitting at home in self pitty
Remember youre just one more person
Whos living there
Its hard to live in the city
Its hard to live in the city
Its hard to live in the city
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
And just for kicks - Ride into the Sun, on a Wave of Mutilation.
So there is a lot of stuff on my mind tonight, and whenever I find there's no one to talk to about it, I just broadcast it and see what comes up...
I'm feeling pretty damned worthless right now, could just be because I'm lounging around at home, wishing I was somewhere else. I got really really frustrated tonight with my lack to understand and do something that I really want to, and then I realized that it's because I'm not inspired that much tonight, and noodling around is about all I am good for, tonight, but tonight isn't every night thankfully, and as long as everynight isn't like tonight, I think I'll be alright.
Lots of things to do... Lots of things to say... I wish I wasn't here right now. I don't want to be tossed to the side, I don't want to intrude. I wish there was a medium. I wish I had some direction, or some confidence that things would look up.
So... I really wish I wasn't just thought about because of night skies, the month of november, or fantasies of the future. I guess it is a lot to ask for though. Sentimentality in my mind is good... at least, I enjoy it. And honestly, I just want what's best, which is usually what happens as long as people have a drive for it... I still kind of want to live out those fantasies of the future though... the mundane and the magical and also the improbable ones. I want to touch a heart, but I don't want to rip it out to do so.
Things always work out... There is no other way it can be.
I'm still trying to get on with a national park or something... Redwood is right out, at the moment, once again. Sigh. I'm going to take a friends advice and go for the ones with lowered standards: the ones that have huge tourist flow during summer, and the ones that are just flat out desperate. To get my feet wet. Maybe, the summer after this upcoming one, if I don't go on a roadtrip, I'll just work for another one. It'll be just as well. I'll still need to pick out a University to transfer to, but that's all in due time. I kind of want to get an absolutely ridiculous degree. Something like "BS for Applied Bioengineering" or "BS for Nanomolecular Civil Engineering".
I'm still also feeling something like a knight errant for the new-world (both in reference to the continent and the order). I kind of think the idea of a world order isn't that bad of one. I've mentioned this all before.
I'm just missing some things, I need to get some things straight, and I need to take my own medicine.
Even if you disappear for awhile, or decide to shed off certain people around you, I'll say that I'm not demanding that I not be forgotten, but I'd like it a whole lot if I wasn't.
Oh, and if you haven't already, read this: http://www.subgenius.com/pam1/pamphlet_p1.html | | |
|
Tradition:: Lyrics: Mazzy Star - Blue Light
There's a blue light
In my best friend's room
There's a blue light
In his eye
There's a blue light, yeah
I want to see it
Shine
There's a ship
That sails by my window
There's a ship that sails on by
There's a world under it
I think I see it
Sailing away
I think it's sailing
Miles crashing me by
Crashing me by
Crashing me by
There's a world
Outside my doorstep
Flames over
Everyone's hot
Don't you see them shining
I want to hear them
Beating for me
I think I hear them
Waves crashing me by
Crashing me by
Crashing me by
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Extra Credit:: Lyrics: The Grateful Dead - Friend of the Devil
I lit out from reno, I was trailed by twenty hounds
Didnt get to sleep last night till the morning came around.
Set out runnin but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
Ran into the devil, babe, he loaned me twenty bills
I spent the night in utah in a cave up in the hills.
Set out runnin but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
I ran down to the levee but the devil caught me there
He took my twenty dollar bill and vanished in the air.
Set out runnin but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night,
The first ones named sweet anne marie, and shes my hearts delight.
The second one is prison, babe, the sheriffs on my trail,
And if he catches up with me, Ill spend my life in jail.
Got a wife in chino, babe, and one in cherokee
The first one says shes got my child, but it dont look like me.
Set out runnin but I take my time,
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
*>*>*<*>*>*<*>*>*<*>*>
Working. Day job. I don't know if it's the change in sleep patterns, or just the mood of the time...
Tensions are high, but I'm starting to feel numb and excited<not in the good way>. So, I'm daily dealing with being molested, and I'm fine with it, I guess. It's not something that bothers me enough that I want to call attention to anyone or myself because of it, I just wish people would leave me alone. I've got to start closing my mouth, so I can stop putting my foot up it. I apparently seem to have my head up my ass recently. I just want to get it out. Another year, another few casualties off my list of friends, and my circle of close friends is tightening to a close. The amount of intelligence surrounding me is so variable, that I'm finding myself misplaced, and damnit, I'm not smart enough for these people, and I'm not ignorant enough for those people, and so once again I'm feeling kind of like a lone wolf, and I'm a lonely one at that. I can't seem to have that spark of amazing in speech that I used to find so easily, you know... I heard a few of my bosses talking, about something banal, but I got enjoyment when hearing them talk, because I heard it. I heard the flicker and inspiration of ingenuity. Of problem solving, trouble shooting, and idea generation... Debating and weighing... and I wasn't even a part of the conversation, I heard it second hand, and it was about Cardboard boxes and what to do with them. But it was the type of vocalization that... Man... I miss it. I miss the whole... "Hey, we respect eachother as at least equals, and we're hearing eachother out, and we're talking about relevant stuff."
I've started feeling numb... Sometimes during the day I'll just bust out into laughter over nothing... Just... laugh. Out loud. No external prompting. Just a feeling inside tells me to laugh, to feel good... I've been starting to have serious moments of self doubt recently. I have no idea why or where I am, no idea who or what I want to be as a person; or personality wise. All I know right now is that I am me and I am not the me I fantasize to be. Part of it is my surroundings, part of it is my responsibility/obligations, part of it is...
In any case, I don't nearly get as much encouragement as I'd like... as much as I feel I probably need. I've been sustaining myself purely off the fat of my land, what small portion of the biomass I've staked claim of. I don't need or want more... but I do feel that I deserve more... And I'm willing to work my ass off for it... If I can just get a Map.
The social climate as of late is also causing me to feel a bit dismal... I used to dream of seeing the planets, the random assortment of dense elements collected and coalesced in to a form of pure light reflection; in a beautiful and mysterious vision. I used to imagine flowers made of metal floating amongst the clouds, forboding but benevolent...I used to imagine flying across the surface tension of the ocean, I used to imagine flying under the surface tension of the ocean... I used to imagine I used to imagine I used to dream...
I wrote a little progression for guitar... It's neat... it sounds gorgeous... and I'm proud of it. I feel a wave of amazing any time I play it... which is happening a lot because I like the feeling, and I want to make it more smooth, so I can distill the feeling. I want to make more than just one phrase.
I was thinking of driving out, on the coldest, darkest, most snow reflective icy night... knocking at the door, and saying I didn't ever want to spend another winter without the feeling of your Evlove. Evolve.
And I'm not sorry.
Terra Lucet. | | |
| > Rasputina - Crosswalk I think of a lot of a things when I'm walking.
I think of a lot of a things walking home.
I say them aloud, to myself I am talking.
I talk to myself when we are alone.
Why-ee-i-ee-i is my bleeding heart beating?
Why-ee-i-ee-i am I feeling no pain?
Why-ee-i-ee-i do I cry when I say Good
Bye-ee-i-ee-i, When I'm calling your name?
I look to the left and the right when I'm crossing.
I look straight ahead when I'm crossing the road.
The baggage I carry, that load I am tossing.
I look back behind at the row that I've hoed.
Why-ee-i-ee-i is my bleeding heart beating?
Why-ee-i-ee-i am I feeling no pain?
Why-ee-i-ee-i do I cry when I say Good
Bye-ee-i-ee-i, When I'm calling your name?
Enlightening conversation with Ryan tonight. Me, Myself, Seperated? Spirituality... The meaning? I am not a little man in my head pulling levers apparently... Still there is some ideal that I hold myself to, and some invisible me that people never see, which is potentiality. My hopes, of perfection, without error. Still my mind and my body must be one, and perhaps this me I hope to see someday is already here, I just don't accept it. On my body and it's necessities. Well... I guess I am compelled for sex. Woo. However, when it comes to my body, and it's need for sex, it tends to be over-ran by the need for it to be safe. Not just using a condom safe, but safe in the sense of with one individual, one that I can still harbor some emotion for, and one that I can depend on, not necessarily for sex, but for a number of other psychological necessities. I would just hope that I am good enough to provide something in return. What it is that I can provide could not by nature be decided by myself. However, there is a number of other parts of me that don't stem from physical or psychological necessities. These are called phenomena, anomalies, or any number of other synonyms(in my opinion, the necessities are on the same level, but they are least have a root cause that we can examine.) I'm not so analytical though that I'd call them by that, however, they are worth analyzing. In any case though, a combination of a moral value system along with a number of indefinitely unexplainable desires urges and dreams have caused me to develope a weird sort of spirituality. Tonight has kind of concluded with me realizing that I should stop leaving my body out of this. I'm also examining by past behaviour, and realized, I really never had... I think I still hope for love, but now it's more objective.
Now, to speak to the matter of sex, I have to also speak to the matter of my value system. I cherish Honesty at it's peak. Why is this? Because - when lieing, or being dishonest, it only complicates matters, and confuses others. It's also very easily mistaken for malice, when all it really does is incubate ignorance, and all of the above are not good things. They have no production, except for things which are even less productive (anger, confusion, sadness, violence, and the likes). Now... I've noticed I have a terrible aversion to my sexuality. This has actually gotten so bad that it's caused me to become dishonest about a few things. Yes, I enjoyed sex, however, not just outright. Let me explain the attachments real quick, to help you get a better understanding: I enjoyed the comfort, the attachment, the singularity of purpose, the charity, and the last but not least by any means -the emotional attachment-*contentment, happiness, perfection*-. My aversion to sex however, comes from the fact that I have a great deal of understanding that, the act does NOT by ANY means include All, if not ANY of these. Hell, it can almost be as unproductive as dishonesty. In fact, I liken a lot of occurences of the act to be the exact same AS.
So... I've had that in me all along, just I've been frustrated with not being able to put it out there even as unclearly as that. So imagine the state of mind I've been in. Having that kind of feeling but then being disregarded as if it's so illogical or unreasonable, and then not having a rebutal because I didn't even realize it's source myself. So yes, physically I desire sex. Emotionally though? It'll complicate things unless I'm careful about it. And already has.
I don't hope to be in touch with my sexuality, nore do I hope to be in touch my physical body... Kinda not necessary. It's kinda happened coincidentally I guess. However, fulfilling these things I have no understanding of the reasonings behind, the things I wish to accomplish for the sake of accomplishing, the things I wish to see for the sake of seeing the beauty of, the things I cherish for the sake of cherishing... Maybe I should move on to examining them, but I also have this great fear, like I have fear of learning too much. I don't want to learn the Sun is just a big Fusion reaction in the sky, as it may make me lose a bit of my innocence, a bit of my reverance, and a bit of awe. That or it may just increase it. Cute. A bit of all of that is already gone, but only because I allow it to be. Bad things happen when good deeds go undone.
I don't know how to end this. -End- | | |
|
